The good news is that I have it on good authority that the lamb/mint/cumin version of the magic meatballs works beautifully. See the previous recipe, and substitute beef for lamb, and the other spices for a teaspoon ground cumin, 1/2 tsp paprika, and either a teaspoon of dried mint, or a good handful of chopped fresh mint.
The bad news is that as I suspected, I cannot make bread. I've had an inkling that this was the case, and even swapping the above recipe for tips from my successful breadmaking sister has done little for my skills. Despite extensive kneading, double proving, and a lot of faith, I created a half and half loaf which could easily stand in for a breeze block without anyone being the wiser.
Rather than being beaten, I have resolved to commence the Bread Project. To make a loaf every Sunday, trying different yeasts and recipes, until I have something resembling baked goods more closely than building materials. So pity She, who will doubtless be dwarfed next to mountain of rubbery loaves for the next little while. I promise I'll let you know when a breakthrough occurs.